A yoga session turns into self-pity

Yoga does something to me. It takes me into the present instead of dreaming of the future or the past. Sometimes that's a good thing, today it was a bad thing. During my hatha yoga session I couldn't really concentrate. I was sitting in front of the window, staring at the bald tree branches. My breathing made the branches multiply and breathe on their own, I love it when yoga does that to me. But then I looked over at my yoga instructor, a calm and collected Indian woman and remembered yoga in Tallahassee. I began to think about Tallahassee and had random memory flashbacks of Ian and I kissing at the Landis fountain at night. Then I thought about next summer, how I just wanted to come home to Tallahassee and do yoga and make-out with Tim. I could almost feel his perfectly tinged caramel skin, smell the cocoa butter. After the session I went home and washed the make-up off my face. Looking into the mirror has turned into an ordeal to me every day. I hate it. My entire face is red and irritated, new pimples pop up constantly even though I'm using the medicine that my skin doctor has given me. It's been 3 weeks since the start of my use and it's gotten worse.
I was silent putting moisturizer on my face, willing for it to just stop hurting. And then Anna, poor Anna, who deserves a room mate who can actually be happy sustainably, asks me if I'm ok. I tell her not really, I tell her how much my face hurts and how I don't even want to go outside anymore. Every day is a struggle to get myself outside.
It seems so petty. It's just my skin. But I can't even talk to people anymore. I feel diseased. I don't really know what to do. So I'm going to keep on studying for now....exams start on the 12th.

Big Furry Monsters Fall from the Sky

Last night I dreamt I was wwoofing in Peru. I was high up in the mountains and it was really foggy and humid. I was running around with some people and these big furry things were falling from the sky. After they hit the ground they turned into big furry black animals. I knew I was supposed to be afraid but wasn't. It was nice. I was peaceful and happy in my dream...I haven't remembered a dream in a while.

The Pocks

I look at my seemingly pock-marked face and wonder to myself, “Is this worth it?” Vienna is so beautiful. I love this city. But somehow I am so miserable here right now. I have good days, where I feel like I can finish my masters, and everything will be alright. But today, obviously, is not one of those days. Most days I wake up in a fair mood, but I inevitably look in the mirror. I look like a meth-head. I even went to the dermatologist, and it seems that my skin is getting worse now. It hurts. Any kind of self-confidence I had has been slowly seeping out of me over the past few months. My skin has been getting worse and worse. I hate talking to people because I feel like they’re looking at my skin. I feel diseased.

For my birthday my father gave me a doctor’s appointment at a homeopathic dermatologist. By the way, this is Austria….so that doesn’t cost anyone anything… 

Vienna

In all honesty, I forgot about this blog. I've been concentrating on tumblr. But now it seems tumblr has been infiltrated. My mother and grandparents both know of it and check it regularly. This keeps me from truly expressing what I'm feeling. I don't want my mother to know how I feel about Vienna, that this isn't the happiest I've ever been. I don't want my grandparents to know that what I miss most about undergrad is the SEX and the DRUGS. So here I am, to tell only myself that I miss Florida. That I want to be held by Jamari. That I want to feel the salty seawater in between my toes as it laps at my feet. That I want to feel some kind of warmth from the sun....or even a person!

The past month has been rough. My skin still hasn't gotten better and now I'm back on antiobiotics. My grandmother had a heartattack and I went to visit her this weekend. She seems to be alright, except for my crazy (step)grandfather watches her like a hawk and will not let her do things that she wants to and is completely capable of doing. My father and I don't see each other much. He's busy, as am I.

And speaking of school....did I mention that I cannot motivate myself to study whatsoever? I want this Masters. I do. But why can I not get myself to just read my damn readings? I feel like my heart is somewhere so different from here. And I can't fix it.

I want to fly to Florida. I think I'm falling in love with Jamari.



Damn it.

Break-ups and such

There is a lot of purging going on. Kiel's moving out, I think it's the best idea. But what bothers me is that I can't really watch Futurama or Family Guy or American Dad without getting pissed off. Luckily I am living up my last semester at FSU. I had no idea what 151 was until Friday night. Will I do it again? Probably. And men, there's so many men that I've wanted to hit on and I've had to control myself. Well that self-control is gone. And it makes me feel incredibly free even though it is tinged with a little bit of sadness. Somewhere in the back of my mind there is still this voice that says "You will never find anyone who will love you for who you are." But 151 tends to completely CRUSH that voice.

Today was a bad day. Work was dead. I felt dead. People weren't very nice. I could barely bring myself to smile.
I don't know what to do with myself. I skipped yoga to meet someone but he wasn't there. And that was just kind of the last straw. So I went home and cried. At least I can't be too worried about calories today since I've had a slim fast shake, a sugar cookies, and a fruit bowl. That can't be too many calories, right?
I hate how people are trying to make me feel better by offering to buy me chocolate or ice cream. But then again, I hate everything right now.
I just want to move on but I really can't. And it's been less than a week but I just want the pain to STOP.
Ugh. Gross, I should have put this on my livejournal or something.

Monty Cello

Happy Thursday! In a week I get more Popheads!

"Now that you've left my bed, your heart sleeps inside my head. Who is this enchanting fellow talking to my love in Monty Cello?"

Positivity is slowly seeping back into me now. I was so drained for the week. It's amazing how negative people can weigh you down. It's amazing how I just did not have my shields up at all. Saturday was a mistake....

PS Right after this picture was taken the drummer of the Popheads, Jackie, came in dressed in a gorilla suit.